I woke up Wednesday morning and realized I was a few days late. No big deal, but I decided to take a home pregnancy test just for peace of mind. I dropped my daughter off at school, ran by the store, came home, opened the test, sat down, and I peed. For the next 3 minutes, I enjoyed my coffee, checked my Facebook memories, and assumed I would go about my day like I normally do. But then that 3 minutes was up, and I stopped breathing for what felt like an eternity. There was a little blue plus sign. There wasn't supposed to be a little blue plus sign, but there was.
Wrapping my head around the thought of having a second baby was next to impossible. The father and I have been together for nearly a year, we’ve talked about our future plans, I knew I wouldn’t have to do it alone a second time. But then I started thinking, I’ve been a single mother since my daughter’s father left when I was still pregnant. That’s all I know how to be. I don’t know how to raise a child with help, how to co-parent, how to have someone by my side through everything.
I wouldn’t necessarily say I was excited. I needed some time to adjust to the reality of being a mother of two. I needed time to consider how it would impact the bond I have with my daughter. The entire day just all blurred together. I spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not that was really a positive, or if maybe it was just an evap line. Maybe I was just tired and imagining it. Maybe it was a faulty test.
I woke up Thursday and took another test, just so I could be sure. This time I got the idiot proof one, the one that says pregnant or not pregnant so there can be no question as to whether or not that second line is really there or if I’m just seeing things. Nope. Big, bold, black letters. Pregnant. Maybe this one was faulty too? So I took a third. Still pregnant.
I told my boyfriend and he immediately started talking about names, I told my family, I told my best friend. I thought maybe telling the people I trust most would make it seem more real because I still had a hard time believing I was going to have a baby. I spent all day Thursday thinking about how the next few months were going to go and finally came to terms with it. I’m going to be a mom again.
I woke up Friday morning and realized something was off. It was 4:30 in the morning so I wasn’t quite awake enough yet to really think straight, but I thought I should take another test because I still couldn't believe it. I walked into the bathroom, opened the test, sat down, and that’s when it hit me. I’m bleeding.
The next several hours were spent in the hospital. Blood draw after blood draw, ultrasounds, pelvic exams. Then the doctor came in. “This isn’t your fault. These things just happen. Your cervix is open and with the amount of blood you’ve lost… I’m so sorry.” My blood test still showed positive, so they could only call it a “threatened miscarriage.” Threatened or not, I knew what it was, and despite what the doctor said I blamed myself for not immediately being excited.
I felt like I failed. I loved this being that was too small to see in ultrasounds, even if I was struggling with the reality of it. I’ve miscarried before, so I knew the next several days would be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. I slept, I cried, I hurt.
It has been 4 days. Four very long days, and I still keep convincing myself that maybe none of this was real. The doctor’s words keep replaying in my head. My time will come - not today, not tomorrow. Someday. Someday I will have a bigger family. Today I will hug my daughter a little closer.