The War Inside

My life has been one filled with regret, mistrust and rage at all the wrong things. I recently made a post to Facebook that I wish to expand upon.

I said, “You know what I am thankful for? That everything in my life came the hard way. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I learned that when the chips are down, when life is at its dirtiest, I can look around me and find myself alone.”

I’m not denying that no one has ever been there. Whether they were helping out of pity, their Christian obligation, to help themselves by way of helping me, convenience, or even out of love. In the end, the only person that could help me in the way I truly needed it was myself.

I said, “The people who abandon you will always come around when they want something from you. They want trust without giving it. They want your loyalty without returning it.”

I am not without fault. There were times when I could have been there for another and I wasn’t. There were times when I felt helpless in my own situation that I could not recognize someone else’s pain, and there were times when my resentment clouded my judgement. I’m not apologizing for my lack of empathy. I am merely acknowledging where I have fallen short of grace.

“In the darkest times, I found the light within myself. I pulled myself out. I held myself up. I was my rock. I kept myself moving. I kept myself alive, and in the worst times when I thought I would lose myself I brought myself back. I learned that the only person that can disappoint me, that can truly hurt me, is myself. Some people may think that I changed. I evolved in the name of perseverance, and for that I am thankful.” I said.

Some of the moments in my life where I felt lost, I was without faith, and in others I tried my hardest to put complete faith that God would pull me through. I felt that He too abandoned me. I now know I looked at it the wrong way. He did let these things happen to me. He allowed evil in all forms to suck me into this vortex or pain and suffering. He offered me no easy way out. No fail-safe. I was so busy looking for Him to pull me out I didn’t realize He was pushing me.

Three words describe the person I was: Weak. Naïve. Shameful. My threshold for pain, humility, and accountability pushed to the breaking point. I had to see myself for everything I was, including what others could not see for themselves. If I continued to be the person I was, I would be dead. Figuratively, if not corporally. This isn’t a “truth will set you free” speech; I am not free. I fight war within my own mind every day I wake up—if I didn’t life would be too easy.

I’m not at peace with the person—mother—that I am. I am who I need to be. I am the mother my kids need me to be. Not everyone will agree, but I am preparing them for what will come in the future.

I am: Strong. Resilient. Humble.

 

by Heather Voyles