Worthy-Just as we are!


As single mothers, most of us have a natural nurturing gene embedded inside of ourselves.  We want everyone around us to be “good,” and if they’re not, we want to help fix their pain (whether physical, emotional, or mental).  We want them to feel joy and happiness, to be confident and exude strength from within, and when we don’t we step in yet again to remind them of their worth.  We compliment others often, whether it is on their new shoes or an accomplishment they’ve recently made.  We get excited about their wins and feel saddened for them when they take a loss.  We cheer others on with fierceness, as we should.  However, why don’t we put that same level of ferocity towards cheering ourselves on?  When do we worry about our joy and happiness-the things that make us so darned loving and caring, an easily be depleted when you try to pour from an empty vessel.  When do we focus on whether or not we feel confident or whether or not we’re exuding strength not only for the world to see but for us to feel?  When do we compliment ourselves, not only on things such as, “dang this outfit is cute”, but also on how we kept our cool when a 3-year-old has a total meltdown in the grocery store over the $5 toy that she did not earn nor deserve and was just not in the budget to be so frivolous? When do we celebrate ourselves; our good decisions, or the ability to pick ourselves back up after a crappy decision?  When do we make sure we’re “good?

I have noticed that especially we single moms; we tend to treat ourselves with hatred, judgment, and harshness.  I personally am guilty of calling myself “fat,” or “old”; focusing on only the crow’s feet around my eyes instead of the really cool dark brown ring that encircles the much lighter iris in the middle.  I’ve focused on how many more grey hairs are on my head, instead of the really great haircut my stylist helped me accomplish when I sat in his chair.  Focusing on the negative, in turn, feeds more negativity.  It spirals out of control until you totally lose sight of who you are, whose you are and how precious you are.

Recently, I had a young client reveal to me that she had no idea how beautiful she was.  I was amazed that she had no idea of her beauty because the very moment I looked at her, I instantly noticed her big beautiful blue eyes, her deep dimples that accompanied a glowing smile, and cute girlish figure and an adorable hairstyle.  Not only that, knowing this young girl’s story, I thought to myself, wow, she’s also so brave, and THAT alone should be celebrated. I expressed all of my observations to her, and I asked her to please stop selling herself short; to realize not only how externally beautiful she was, but also her internal beauty and her endless worth.

When I returned to my office after that conversation, I thought to myself how easy that was for me to express to her, and to see in her.  However, am I not doing the exact same thing; discounting my worth every time I believe anything other than the simple fact that I am me and that in and of itself makes e worthy?  We need to learn to embrace all of our positive truths and discount those negative distorted ways of thinking.  While it may be true that I’m not 25 anymore, am I really old? No, OLDER, sure, but not old.  Although I may have gained a few pounds to go with the years I’ve gained, am I really fat? I’m more like that newer saying “thicker than a snicker.”  I lost my girlish figure but gained a womanly body.  I need to embrace my worth, and so do you.

I encourage each of you to write down three positive truths about yourself) whether you believe them right now or not) that counter a negative, distorted way of thinking about yourself.  Post it in your car, bathroom, and office (anywhere and everywhere).  Say it often. Speak it out loud.  Fake it till you truly believe it about yourself.  Then grab one or two more.  I encourage you to start seeing yourself the way others see you; precious and worthy, and beautiful inside and out.


Helping Your Kids Embrace the Holidays after a Recent Divorce


When you think of the holidays, you often picture happy families gathered around the table sharing a meal or opening presents on a cold winter morning, the snow falling gently outside. But as this excellent article from the Child Mind Institute shows, this Norman Rockwell-type of image is far from the family situations we have in today’s world. The holidays can be a stressful time -- not to mention sad -- especially if you are recently divorced. If you have children, the holidays can be particularly painful after a divorce. Here is some advice to help your kids deal with the pain of divorce and still manage to embrace the holidays.

Involve Your Kids

Help your children understand that even though you and your ex are separated, you still care about them, and your love for them will never change. Discuss with your kids how they wish to celebrate the holidays. Fathers.com encourages newly divorced parents to involve their children in designing the holiday plans. Maybe they want to celebrate the holidays at your house, at your ex’s home, or with both parents together. Of course, if there is still a great amount of tension and anger between you and your ex, it’s best if you don’t try to celebrate the holidays together with the kids. It will only lead to arguments and ruin the holiday for everyone.

Gifts and Traditions

Don’t think that you should shower your children with expensive gifts to compensate for the sadness they feel over the divorce. CNN offers a great article on focusing on what really matters during the holidays for divorced families here. Remember that the best thing you can do is give them the gift of your time. Also, do your best to keep some of the same traditions that you as a family enjoyed when you and your spouse were still married.

Your children will like participating in traditions that remind them of happier times, but it’s also important to do things that you may have never done before. Try working your way through this celebratory winter list to celebrate all the magical things about the season - from making snow angels in the front yard to making homemade soup. Slide down snowy hills on a sled -- even if it’s merely a garbage can lid! Make hot cocoa complete with marshmallows and whipped cream. Focus on engaging in fun, inexpensive activities that will create new memories for your children and help establish the new holiday normal. Look at this challenging moment as an opportunity to choose what activities you want to become the new holiday traditions for you and your kids.

You can also simply curl up on the couch and watch classic holiday movies, or pile into the car and drive around the neighborhood so you can admire holiday lights and decorations. As you can see, you don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars during the holidays to help your children enjoy this special season. Merely spending quality time with them and doing simple, fun activities can fill the whole family with joy.

Staying Positive

Avoid making negative comments about your ex. It’s understandable that you may feel bitter and angry, especially if he or she was the one that left or betrayed you. But venting to your kids about your ex-spouse’s faults will only cause them more anxiety and sadness.

If your children will spend the holidays with your ex, be careful not to make them feel guilty about being away from you. Instead, be upbeat about their time with the other parent.

Celebrating the holidays after a recent divorce is not only difficult for you, it’s difficult for your kids too. The pain and sadness they feel can interfere with the ability to enjoy the holidays. But that doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy themselves during times of celebration. By being sensitive to how they wish to celebrate, spending quality time with them, and trying to stay positive, you can help your children move past their pain and learn to accept the new changes in their lives.

-Alexis Hall 

Visit this website for more form Alexis http://singleparent.info/