Turning the Page


Sometimes I feel as though I can step back from my life and see the story of my most recent years unfolding before me. The beginning so full of excitement and wonder, while the middle unravels with unpredictable turns, leaving the ending to wrap up my story. There’s just one problem. I am not at the end. Just treading water in the middle until my perfect ending decides to show up. Sounds tragic but it is actually quite beautiful. Perspective defines your middle.

In the middle I am learning how to respect myself and love myself more. It wasn’t until I went through some very challenging circumstance that I learned to love myself enough to fully respect myself. This meant deep reflection and setting boundaries for my life. Truly learning who I was, what I wanted and what I wasn’t going to allow into my life. A key part of that was men. The best advice I received after my divorce was to seek God for guidance in the kind of man he intended for me to have as a spouse and to make a list. So, I prayed and looked to his word for what a Godly husband should be and complied my very lengthy list. That list has allowed me to keep my heart focused on the Lord and kept me from searching for a spouse. Because of that list I could recognize immediately when God placed someone in my life. And not just anyone but someone that met every single request I had made known to God. That is something only a loving Father can orchestrate.

In this part of the middle, I am now having to learn how to let someone else love me. It sounds simple, but many times the damage others leave behind keep us from turning the page. We can be stuck on the same page, reading the same story over and over like this time we will be able to move past it and into our ending. But we take that broken middle into our beautiful ending and shattered it to bits. So, I am pausing right in the middle of my story and cautiously learning to let someone love me just as I am. I am loving myself and accepting every good thing God is trying to give me. There are many moments I feel underserving because I lived in that state for far too long. A state of always asking and needing from God to fix my mess and heal my heart. To use my brokenness for something beautiful. The brokenness has led to many beautiful things. One of them being acceptance. Accepting my circumstances just as they are and not rushing into my ending. Just resting in his peace and thanking him every day for all the unpredictable turns that have come along the way, because now I can stand at a straightway and smile. He never left me and he is turning the page.


Filling the Gap

I recently heard a message that encouraged listeners to think about the bravest prayer they could pray. As I thought hard I was humbled as I realized how little I step out into brave prayers. Maybe it’s the fear God won’t answer, or we feel our needs are met or maybe we won’t like the answer. After being encouraged by a recent Facebook post a girl shared how as singles we should pray for God to fill the void of a spouse in our hearts with himself, this caused me to think about my bravest prayer.

I often pray that God would send that person into my life that would one day be my spouse, not because I need someone to make me happy or help take care of me. God is my fulfillment and is doing a wonderful job taking care of me all on his own. I am actually quite happy being single, but rather that I might be able to have a partner to do life with. So, with that I developed my bravest prayer “Lord, I am not asking to you send me a person any longer, but rather you would completely fill the gap of that person not being in my life in every way.” My plan for God was that he would take away every desire and thought and leave me with perfect peace. Notice the “my plan” statement and how foolish that must sound to God. Praying prayers with my own small intentions to an infinite God.

This prayer only brought frustration for me, as I struggled with my own human nature. I cried out to God asking him why he wouldn’t just take away the desire, like he did for this other girl! In my plea for an answer, I was shook by the very reason I was afraid to pray my bravest prayer. I didn’t like the answer. I knew in that moment for me it would be different, the gap wouldn’t be filled like I hoped. He wouldn’t take away the desire for a partner and every thought of one until that person arrived.  For me he would leave the void, causing me to continually go to him as my source. God is a good Father and a loving God, but he is jealous for time with us. I was asking him to take away something that was allowing him to comfort me, love me and protect me through the process.


So many times, throughout my life I have asked him to take away the hard things, heal my brokenness and fill the void. But as my awareness of God grows, so does my awareness of my own inadequacies. These moments have all brought me closer to him. Every emotion of pain has strengthened our relationship, closing the gaps in my life. I envision myself standing with my own brokenness and faults before a loving God, as his Son fills the gap between us. All perfectly united and because the gap is filled He accepts me and calls me sanctified.

My bravest prayer might seem insignificant and there are times I wished I lived a more fascinating life so my prayers could be bolder, but this is the season I am in. My prayer wasn’t answered how I hoped. But I received something better. A message straight from the Father that he values his time with me. He loves when I come to him for help. He is my partner and provider. He is The Gap. So, don’t be afraid to pray your bravest prayer. He loves you more than you could ever know. And even his no’s are beautifully crafted to bring us closer to him.