It’s been quite some time since my last blog submission. I last wrote about maintaining gratitude, even in the storms of life. Y’all, I fell, and I fell hard. I have entered a season of trial upon trial and hardship after hardship. Quite literally, I feel as though I am living out some soap opera or Life Time Movie Event, that you seriously think, how in the world did the writers come up with stuff because it is soooo fake. Let me tell you because someone somewhere has lived that crap to the fullest, that’s how. They do not have great creative minds, they either went through a crazy struggle or knew someone who did; perhaps they combined a few struggles together, but Lord knows, the when the Devil attacks, he comes from all sides. As I sit here writing this, I am anything but grateful. I am struggling through unemployment, deep financial burdens, pest control issues, health issues, friendship issues, car issues, I’ve been the victim of crime, have been living with food insecurity, and so many feelings of failure and inadequacy.
I didn’t want to write a blog because, in this moment, I didn’t know how to inspire anyone or how to say something uplifting. I have always (since about the age of 12) struggled with depression and anxiety. I’ve managed those successfully with the help of a bag full of coping skills and medications. However, blow after blow, I’ve sunk deeper and deeper into a darkness that makes me hate myself more with every passing day….why can’t I just snap out of it?! I’m a strong, independent woman, I have God on my side, and I will get through.
Well, ya know what, God never, ever promised that the weapons wouldn’t form (and oh have they formed). He merely said that no weapon formed shall prosper. He didn’t tell you won’t have to hold the shield up high while your arms shake from exhaustion. He didn’t tell you wouldn’t have to yield your own sword and fight the enemy back.
Today, I took a brave step. I went to my first meeting with a new counselor. It’s definitely NOT my first rodeo with counseling, for sure, but starting anew is always tricky. We’re going to, of course, eventually re-hash my trauma ridden childhood, my many mistakes, with more layers of trauma as an adult. I’m going to have to do work to make myself whole. Many of the things that I’m facing are out of my control, yet I’m totally letting the worry over those things control me in full. God already told me not to worry about it, he’ll handle it, but humph, do I listen? Of course not! Which only fuels my anxiety and feeds my depression.
Last night I dug through a plastic tub, knowing that I had several Christian books in there, but I couldn’t remember what books. However, God got me up, walked me in there, and I dug and dug until I came across a book that spoke to my spirit and my soul: “Wait and See.” It’s a book about waiting on God and doing it well, making use of that period of wait to our benefit. I read the first chapter and a half and started the homework assignments.
I say all of this only to convey this message: God knows our struggles. He is there for us and with us every step of the way. He never leaves our side. We are the ones who turn our backs on him, out of anger, hurt, disappointment, and loss of faith during out wait. Between counseling, this book, and hopefully the upcoming book club I’ve proposed, I am hoping to lean into God, draw him closer, and strengthen my relationship with him while letting him work in me, strengthen me, and fill in all those holes that I’ve been left with lately.