A heart, fragile yet so enduring, was designed for human connection. For relationships to build us and strengthen our character. Our downfall as human beings is that in the process of connecting, we find ourselves damaged. Left to pick up the pieces of another person’s freewill. We reflect on the damage of our lives, pinpointing what left us with the greatest hurt. We can easily see reminisce of the trauma that can be characterized in each of our lives. Whatever name it might be even it is still visible and charts the trajectory of our lives. Some overcome more quickly, while others fight the hurt for the course of their lives settling in with a bitter heart.
What if we think outside the trauma we have experienced? Beyond the physical, to uncover the deeper unknown. Our fragile hearts have also been affected by the things we haven’t received. The affirmation we so desperately longed for and never heard. The affection we prayed for that was withheld. The acceptance we wanted to feel and never received. In the book “Heart Made Whole” Christa Black Gifford discusses these two types of trauma as Trauma B which is “all the things that happened that never should have”, which often leaves us victimized. And Trauma A which is “the absence of all the things you should have received, but didn’t”.
Understanding this concept was life changing for me. For so long I felt there was something wrong with me as I needed affirmation from others. I felt happy, confident and whole but still needed affirming words from the people closest to me. It’s when I realized that somewhere along the way my need for affirmation was neglected. Leaving me with a longing to be filled, a trauma I didn’t even realize I had experienced. It wasn’t an event I can recall. It was years of my greatest desire to be loved not being fulfilled by others. I felt as though my heart was being starved to death and was left thirsty. It’s then that I realized this need could never be met by other people. Only God, who created me and knows this deepest desire can fill my need. He is my affirmation. He is the one that covers all that I never received and makes me whole. He allows my heart to be fully understood and known.
What we experienced or didn’t experienced is the past now. We have the present to decide how our trauma dictates our future. As Gifford explains so beautifully, “The space inside of your heart is the only place where you will ever have full ownership and authority. You are the guardian of your heart, and as the final say over your inner realm, you’re the only one who can decide what happens next.” My prayer for you is that can lay your pain down and allow God to be your healer. For him to fill your greatest desires and allow you to be fully known. Only then can we move past our pain and step into our beautiful healing.