An Open Letter to My Narcissist

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Dear Sir,

 

I am going to have to let you go. It's not you; it's me. This relationship just isn't working, and I think it best that we part ways before any further damage takes place. There is a severance package, and you're welcome to file a grievance if you feel this separation is unjust. Please note that no parts of the severance package can be exchanged, and once accepted-- it cannot be returned. All grievances must be filed in writing prior to your exiting the premises on this day. I know you might have questions, so please let me explain further in the hopes that you can leave with the answers you desire.

 

First and foremost, you are not the center of the universe. You once slyly coerced me into believing that you needed to be the center of my universe, but I have since wised up. You are no longer the magnetic force that requires my constant attention, affection, energy, and lifeblood. You are not the center of anyone's universe but your own. Only you think that you are always right, always being wronged, infallible, and to be revered and respected. You are none of those things.

 

Secondly, you have an opinion. Every. One. Has. An. Opinion. Your opinion belongs to you, and of course, you feel strongly about it. But that doesn't make it more valuable than anyone else's. For example; "mushrooms are disgusting" is my opinion. Nothing you say is going to make me change my mind. In the event that I choose to change my mind, it will be because that's what I WANT to do. You cannot make me like, love, or enjoy anything that I do not want to. The sooner you realize that you are one of many, not the only-- the better.

 

Thirdly, your lack of manners, etiquette, and common decency is deplorable. You communicate your wants and needs after the fact. For some reason, the whole world is supposed to anticipate and fulfill your desires, quietly, stealthily. It is quite ridiculous. Refer to point 1 if you are confused. The constant yelling, cussing, and berating of people whose sole purpose is to provide you with a limited interaction is sad. You are flat out mean. You're mean to everyone, all of the time. You can be nice, kind, charming, and sweet. But those traits are short-lived and vastly overshadowed by your demeaning ever-present down talking.

 

In the years that I have known and interacted with you, you have pretended to make changes to yourself for the better. These are shenanigans. Your defective personality permeates through whatever facade you claim to have adopted. The only constant about you is that you are unable to change. You cannot see the hurt and harm that you have caused, you accept no responsibility for your words or actions, and the fact that you can position your mouth to lie about it is another sign of just how ill you are.

 

Lastly, I strongly suggest that you seek professional counseling. Your behavior suggests that there is something very hurt, bruised, and torn inside of you. Something you have never dealt with in your more than four decades on this planet. You can only hear your own voice, your own thoughts. You justify you. No one else provides anything of value to you (in your opinion). You have no friends. And the family you have; while local, they remain at a distance. You claim that people only seek you when they want something from you. Think about the fact that no one seeks you.

 

As part of your severance package, I am ceasing any and all extraneous communications with you. If it doesn't involve the safety, health, or education of our children; it will not be discussed. You are encouraged to embrace this as a full and actual reality from this moment forward. Going forward, our relationship is defined as parallel parenting. This is my home, and I will raise our children as I see fit. Your opinion, outrage, and disagreements can be submitted in writing once a month. They, along with any other grievances, will instantly be shredded. Never having been read-- because severance.

 

I wish you well. I will pray for your mental health and stability. I will pray for your continued relationship with our children-- that it is healthy, encouraging, and always loving. Please take any personal belongings with you as you leave as you will not be permitted to return to the property. I thank you for the hard lessons I learned while being near you. I will forever be grateful for our children, and the strength I gained pulling myself up and out of your grasp. All of the locks have been changed, so do with the keys what you will. Your severance is effective immediately. As previously stated, any grievances must be in writing prior to your exit. Be well.

 

Sincerely,

The Me You'll Never Know

Tanisha Ware

See more of her blogs at BrownSugarBritches.com

Becoming a Single Mom

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This is my story on how I became a single mom.

At the age of 24, I felt like my life was pretty much figured out.  I finally had my own apartment without roommates and a decent job working as a CNA. I felt like what I had learned in life had prepared me for whatever trials I would face. I just knew I would be able to conquer trials in my life. I didn’t have a carefree childhood. I grew up in a chaotic home with my grandparents. There was someone who was addicted to drugs who lived with us. I wasn’t taught how to drive, but I learned to navigate by public transportation.  I was being an adult by paying my bills and doing well at my job as a CNA. Life was great, but I still felt like something was missing. I was unable to hang out with my friends or go out. I thought a dating website would be a great way to tell the difference between a guy who was a fit for my life and the wrong guy.

Two weeks into having the dating profile I had received a message from a guy that was a handsome “country” guy. I was excited. He also seemed to live for the Lord. A few weeks of talking to him I decided to meet him. He was just as pleasant in person as he was online. We hit it off and became an official couple.

As time went on things were still great, we were spending lots of time together, and he practically moved in with me. The only slight change I noticed was an afternoon as I was coming home from work, he had asked me to pick up his favorite pizza. So, I stopped at the local store and grabbed it from the frozen food section. I arrived home, and as I walked in, I was greeted by a clean house. Wow is this guy for real? I was so happy with him. I handed him the pizza to place it in the oven, his facial expression changed. He directly looked at me and asked, "Are you stupid?" I was shocked and looked down not knowing what I did wrong. He said, "This is not pepperoni! This is cheese didn’t you read it?" I apologized and asked if I could take it back and get the right type of pizza. He smiled told me no, it’s okay. I was very hurt, but I didn’t say anything. He later apologized.

More time passed I realized that he started to have a “not good enough” attitude towards us. After a few months, I was met with an ultimatum that I either I had a child with him, or he was going to leave me. I told him I really want to be married first and this was sudden. I asked him to let me think about it, and he agreed. The next day I called a couple of family members and friends asking for their opinions. Everyone was shocked by his demands. Even after the advice, I have been given I was sure he must want a family because he loved me that much. I agreed, and we decided to try for a child.

A couple of months later I was expecting. The joy I had for my baby overshadowed my doubts, and he seemed very excited. He called his family and told them about the baby. His family was shocked but happy, and I was welcomed into his family.  I felt how close to them and admired how relaxed around each other they were. It made me desire, even more, to do what I could to make him happy.

In 2014, I was scheduled to be at the hospital, so I can be induced, I was nervous by that time, and I felt as big as a double-wide trailer. I have always been a nervous person as long as I could remember. He was comforting none the less to me. The waiting area for the delivery room seemed calmer then what I expected it to be. The faces of family members, husbands, or boyfriends didn’t alarm me; I felt excited and ready. As I went back, I knew he would be in the room, and he wanted to be a part of it every step of the way!

After arriving in my room, the first thing I noticed was the little baby carrier for after delivery, the smell of the hospital was familiar and comforting because of my work in the medical field. After being all setup, we were in for a long night. It seemed close to forever before Pitocin was given. A few hours later I thought I was going to die the contractions were awful. He snapped, "It can’t hurt that bad you’re being a baby!" I looked at him and cried. I asked for a nurse and a short time later a nurse arrived, I asked for an epidural. After many hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing my healthy baby girl was born.

He wasn’t very helpful for the two days we remained in the hospital. The nurses came in to take my little girl for her vaccinations, and they offered to take longer so I could rest. I smiled and slept for a while. The last day we were there we were packing to leave I lost my daughter's personalized binky. I was panicking, and he scolded me when the nurse walked in and abruptly interrupted him and offered to help look. His attitude changed. He said, "We will get another one."

We arrived home, and our plans changed, I had to quit my job, and we were to move closer to his family in a nearby town. I agreed, so we packed and moved a few months later.  When we lived in our new house, we had a lot of time with his family, and my daughter was growing more beautiful by the day. I was happy regardless. Being a stay at home mom was going to be okay. I couldn’t drive anyway, and I would be loving on her all the time.

A year later, he was very little help with her, but he reminded me that he worked, and I didn’t. I didn’t fuss at him, and I allowed him not to help. He was gone more frequently, and his absence lasted well into the nights. Even shopping at the local store was an issue because I was too slow, and he accused me of looking at other men. I was tired of being talked down to. I met him with an ultimatum of him leaving for the night, or the baby and I were going. He shoved me in a corner and took my phone. He said, "If you are to leave then say you won’t make me pay child support."  I reflected back on every evening I anticipated him coming home, I always had the house clean, and dinner sat at the table. My daughter was in my arms now I was crying. I agreed, and he left then I did too.

I was faced with uncertainty, where do I go? We were without a home. I didn’t pack much because I was thinking it would blow over. I thought things would be normal again. I stayed with my grandma for a while. Things downward spiraled. He was not only cheating on me with multiple women, but he also had numerous profiles on dating sites. He had also created a fake Facebook to hide that he even had a “family.” I was so hurt and confused, we planned this baby together. I did everything he wanted, and all I wanted was for him to be home. Time went on, and things got worse between us. After a failed attempt to get my daughters belongings and mine, we had nothing. Not even a bed. I was on the lease of the apartment, and he lured me there saying he couldn’t stand seeing her stuff and said come to get it. I was met by him and his family, and they tried taking my daughter. The police came to keep me, and my little one safe.  Come to find out, he moved in with a woman and her two kids in they were occupying our beds and had used our belongings.

We were homeless couch surfers. The home my daughter knew was taken from her. I left my friends and moved in with my father. At my father's house, I broke down. I had worked this whole time, and I couldn’t stay with people long because I didn’t know how to drive. I begged God to tell me whether I should take my daughter back and give her to him? He’s more financially stable, I’d probably never see her again. I sobbed and begged. The next morning, I received a message on Facebook. 

The message was from my old school teacher, and it was so comforting because she offered to help us. She helped my daughter, and I find a place to live. This woman and her church even furnished this house. We had a bed, a bathtub for my little girl to play in, and she had toys. I bawled and thanked the Lord for this. During the next few months, I worked and took a taxi every day. I could pay my bills again. The church came by to helped with lawn work, and they even brought us essentials like toilet paper and laundry soap. I never felt so much love before! 

It wasn’t easy. The taxis were expensive every day I’d carry my daughter, her car seat, and our bags everywhere we had to go. We went to daycare, dr appointments, grocery store. Rain, snow, ice or sunny we did it. I worked from 3 pm to 11 pm or to midnight. Then I switched jobs, and I worked 12-14 hour shifts. I was so exhausted from all of this.

I recently moved back to the apartments I lived in when I met my daughter's dad. I paid a Driver's Ed guy to teach me to drive. I obtained my driver's license, and my old teacher helped get me a car. I paid off my debt to go to college, and now I work for the school district. I did this in 4 months! I have worked so hard. I promise to all of you broken, lost, damaged, uncertain single moms that anything is possible! Work hard and take care of your babies (P.S. after the one visit with my daughter's dad he hasn’t contacted us in two years) I had some help, but I’ve done all the work! Anything is possible ladies!

Anonymous 

Warriorz-Recap from 7th Annual Valentine’s Banquet

On Sunday evening, February 17th, 2019, SingleMomzRock in partnership with Victory Mission + Ministry held our 7th Annual Valentine’s Banquet at a new location, Doubletree by Hilton Springfield.  Over 200 single moms were treated to a glamorous evening of fun and fellowship created just for them! 

The evening started off by the moms being escorted to their tables by gentlemen in tuxes and roses in hand. Delores Albers Photography, as well as CRNewell Photography, was on hand to take snapshots of the moms all glammed up, dinner was catered, and they were treated to live music by two local choirs that joined forces to bring the house down. It’s truly become the largest event in our area for single moms. It was such an inspiring night.

Our theme this year was “Warriorz.” When thinking of a theme each year, we try to find something that will resonate with our single moms. Struggles they go through. Considering all the battles we fight every single day, and how we truly are warriors, it was a natural fit to choose this theme. Moms were treated with bracelets that matched the theme. 

Our featured speaker, Jennifer Maggio, Chief Executive Officer and Founder of The Life of a Single Mom out of Baton Rouge, LA. Like I mentioned that night, for us to even be able to pull off having her among us was confirmation that we are doing something right! She is well renowned in the single mom circuit and sought out all throughout the year for speaking engagements. She told her story of living in poverty, dealing with abuse of all kinds, teenage pregnancy, abandonment of family, going to college while raising two babies, securing a job in a Fortune 500 company and ending that successful career to start a single mom’s ministry. She is proof that you still get to work towards the calling God has placed on your life it may take a lot more work than you thought it would but being obedient will also bless that path! There was not a dry eye in the house after she spoke, our moms were encouraged!

Daniel Ogunyemi was the first male speaker EVER to come and talk to our moms. He let them know that they are strong, loved and to never give up. Anastasia Phelps performed a special spoken word for our moms. Titled “Rise Up,” Anastasia brought intensity and passion to her words. Check out here facebook page, Beautiful Not Broken

And did I mention THAT CHOIR? Sanctuary of Praise and Urban Praise Choirs joined to bring three songs full of hope, praise, and encouragement in the house. We got to worship together, pray together and encourage each other. It was a moment I will never forget, you could feel the movement that was taking place!

We brought back the element of having women community leaders come to the banquet to be table hosts. We had over 80 women leaders come and sit amongst our moms and pour into them, some even brought extra goodies for their tables.  We also brought back our SMR Ambassador program, where we chose three moms who we knew had been working very hard this past year to make very positive changes to better them and their children’s lives. We were able to present these three moms with $100 gas cards on behalf of Victory Mission + Ministry as well as a “shield” pin that was specially designed for this year’s banquet. 

To be able to host the banquet this year at the DoubleTree was very special for all of us. We had their largest ballroom space, and it was beautiful. After six years of using a church space, for us to be able to host it in a lavish venue just amazes me.  IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER!

Thank you to all that pour your heart into this event each year in order for it to happen. We are very blessed indeed to have such strong support from our community and churches. I don’t know how we will top next year…but I’m already thinking of ways ☺


Janelle Reed

Founder, SingleMomzRock