One of those nights. You don't ask for them. You don't plan for them. You don't even want them but they show up out of nowhere and take your breath away yet again. I had a friend text me this evening asking for advice in her relationship. It brought up a dream that now has me typing this.
People ask me why I sometimes talk about it and the only answer I have is this. Because I get it. I have sit and watched someone I adored and loved turn into a monster I couldn't recognize. Because if there is one person who reads this and has the courage to leave it was worth anyone else scrolling by, laughing, rolling their eyes, or thinking I'm crazy. People always ask why you don't leave. "Did you not see signs" Well. Because it doesn't start that way does it? It starts with a very charismatic, love able, life of the party, and trustworthy type of guy. It starts with being showered with praise and they are smart. They gain your trust and put you on a pedestal. You don't even know they are slowly chipping away at the bottom of it. You don't realize it's happening until the day it crashes down. You are left the victim of not just his abuse and yes that includes mental, physical, emotional, and sexual, but the victim of society around you. Most abusers are extremely well liked and loved in public eye. Most will look at you and think you are lying. Because they know that person and there's no way they did these things. Yes, most the time abuse looks like a perfect family. A happy one. Because you plaster on a smile and drag thru your days.
Yep. I've been there. I also wore hoodies in August to cover my arms. I have been the girl who laid in the fetal position while listening to his voice standing over me. Breathe so hot in your face it scorches down to your soul. I have stood up by a wall listening to him rant and rave and mentally trying to figure out how to dissolve the situation. I have been there under his hot nasty drunk filled breath and felt the weight of his hands. Just praying for a break in his rage. I have waited until he was snoring and silently crawled out of bed into a warm shower where I can cry without being punished. I have looked in the barrel of a gun and found whatever strength I could muster to look from the barrel to his cold dead almost demonic eyes and say enough. That was my breaking point.
So don't think for a second you are alone. You aren't crazy. And all the times you are called a whore, cunt, a "mother fucking worthless use of space", "you can't make it without me", stupid, crazy, useless, nasty, well eventually you will find a strength. Somewhere down in that pit of hell you will find a simple thread of strength. You hold onto it. You're gonna need it more than you know. It will be what helps you claw your way up from those pits of hell. Because the scars you carry from this will follow you. There will be nights you have dreams and can feel that breath again. Hold onto that steal thread you find. Hold it tightly. Eventually it becomes a rod. I promise you it is so much better bearing the scars than gaining new ones. It isn't easy. But it is so worth it. And to whoever is reading this. Yes. He will end up hitting you. Yes, it gets worse. Yes, you can get out. And if you don't you stand a high chance of not surviving at all.
October is domestic violence awareness month. If you know someone. Help them. Even if they go back. Keep helping. They mentally are broken. They aren't disregarding you. You see their abuser has made them believe that's what they deserve. So keep listening. Keep helping. Eventually they will find the strength to leave.