Killing Monsters

All of my life I have been INSECURE about something. As long as I can remember I was not a confident person. When I was little I was made fun of for being one of the smart kids in class and being a teachers pet. I always felt like I was the third wheel with some friends that I grew up with. I so desperately wanted to always be included in their whispers or cool hangouts.

The INSECURITY about my body started a little earlier on in my childhood. It wasn’t because I was larger than the other kids or because I wasn’t pretty. Actually, it was probably because of the opposite. Everyone used to tell me how pretty I was growing up. I did a few pageants (I’m no honey boo-boo!!!), but that never helped my self-esteem either. I had been the victim of sexual misconduct that happened at my babysitter’s house; several instances from the babysitter’s husband and grandson. Somethings are forever etched into your memory. From that summer on, I started thinking that because I was pretty that’s why I was molested. My INSECURITY of myself grew and my self confidence shrunk.

Later on, in high school I actually became quite “popular”. I was student council class president, prom queen, homecoming queen and I was involved in a lot of activities. If you knew me back then, you probably would have never known that I was insecure about anything. I did one of those “fake it until you make it”. I decided not to go to a regular college, I mean that was way too intimidating! I wasn’t smart enough, I wouldn’t make friends, I wouldn’t be able to find my way around the school! I let all those LIES make my decision about my education. I decided on a community college, that seemed to fit me better. I honestly just did what I could to slide by under the radar, unnoticed.

Even after getting married to my high school sweetheart, my INSECURITY continued. Looking back now, I do realize there were problems that should have and could have been corrected early on. But we were young when we married and grew into adulthood together. I think sometimes you just think that’s the way things are and the way they are supposed to be. I really don’t feel like it exploded until we had our first daughter and I became a stay at home mom. The main reason behind our decision for me staying home and raising the kids was because of what happened to me as a child. I vowed I would not let someone do that to my kids…ever. Through the process of staying at home, I started losing myself slowly. I started thinking that I really wasn’t worth much, I didn’t really take care of myself and depression was creeping in and I didn’t have a clue. I hated myself.

After my second daughter was born, the INSECURITY was crippling me. I had a great group of friends but I barely did things. I was becoming a recluse in my home. Friends would ask us to go do things during the day but I just wanted to stay inside. For those of you that struggle with INSECURITY you also know JEALOUSY goes hand in hand with that. I always had some JEALOUSY issues with my husband, not because of anything he had ever done, but because of my INSECURITY problems. And they got worse. When my youngest daughter was 3, my husband left.

I was at an all time low dealing with my issues! Everything that I had ever known felt like it went out with the rug underneath my feet. Was I not good enough for him, could I not support him enough, was I not good enough in bed, was my body not pretty enough anymore after having kids, was I not fun anymore? And to all of those…I answered NO!

How was I going to work plus be able to care for my daughter’s? I hadn’t worked for 6 years, I probably forgot everything I ever learned in school. Again, all those LIES started creeping back up to make sure I knew that I was not good enough. Through a friend, I heard about a Christian woman hiring…part time…in an office…and after talking with her I found out that I would not need childcare, I could bring my girls to work with me! I dropped to my knees thanking the good Lord for watching over me and blessing me with this new opportunity.

The next year or so would be one of the hardest of my life, but inside something started changing. I decided to rededicate myself to the Lord and I had got involved in a women’s ministry group and I felt like I had finally found my passion and purpose in life. Each time that I was able to accomplish something that I never could have done on my own, it was like I was discovering a piece of me all over again!!!

It’s been three years now that I’ve been “single with God”. I have done more things in these past three years that I would have ever imagined doing in a lifetime. I can’t say that INSECURITY is gone. I still have my moments of hearing those LIES in my head. Like when I decided to start a Single Moms Ministry in my area and heard the LIES of “no one will listen to your story” and “you’re not a good enough Christian”. Or when I went on my first missions trip to Haiti to help teach the women in that community become leaders and I heard the LIES of “you’re not a leader so how do you expect to teach someone else” and “ you have no idea what you’re doing”. Or when I applied for a dream job this week and had to sit down to update my resume. Those LIES of “you’re really not qualified” and “who do you think you are that you would be able to pull this off”. Even sitting here writing this now, I’m thinking should I really send this in…will anyone read this? I’m a nobody, what in the world am I doing? Don’t even get me started on the whole dating as a Christian woman in today’s age thing…that will have to be for a whole other post about insecurity!

All I know is God thinks I am somebody. He loves me, He made me and He died for me! Those are not LIES! He is working in me and through me day after day, because I choose to let Him! Will you let Him?